Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
