I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
