Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
