Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I cockslap morals
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
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