I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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