I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
