just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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