she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
