This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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