I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
