Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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