What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
