EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
