To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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