maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You may now shotgun with the bride
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
