She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
