they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
