3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
