I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
