Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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