Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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