I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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