I think i peed on brittanys purse
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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