I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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