After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
