Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
