I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
