I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
