I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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