I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
