I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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