We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
