On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
