I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
