Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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