dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
