I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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