Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
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That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
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The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
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