Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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