I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
