i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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