I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
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Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
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