I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
