it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
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Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
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I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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