You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
