if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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