yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
