What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
