i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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