Apparently you make a good broom.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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