just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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