boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
