apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
