he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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