1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
