I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I am naked and annoyed.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
