i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
