my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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