When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
