Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
