i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
